I feel empty today. I've been like this for a few days now. One friend of mine from South Korea asked me if I am feeling heavy and I could have said it is too heavy but I did not. I don't want to pass this burden on to someone so far away but it really felt good when she reached out.
I am trying to know how can I describe this emptiness. It is not like I'd want to explain myself to anyone and be understood. It is more of seeking my lost self in the woods and gives meaning to the heaviness I feel. The more I seek for the reasons, the more I want to run away from something or from people. It seems to me as though this emptiness emerged from being restricted and neglected. I can't even explain how being empty feels heavy. It was not supposed to be heavy when you aren't carrying something, right?
One thing for sure is I feel wrong for experiencing these emotions.
There are days where I feel like a knife is stuck in the middle of my chest. Or sometimes, a ton of needles are pinned under my feet. I don't want to move, don't want to talk. Those are the days when I knew myself that I have to put up a face and act like I am brave. In front of everyone, I feel the need to hide my wounds and scars. But there are times that I show up wounded, just for them to understand a bit of what I am hiding. Or maybe I am lying. It is hard to pretend every day so sometimes my emotion chooses to slip away.
There are times I doubt, whether I am lonely or maybe I am just overreacting about the things that are happening in my life. Maybe if I choose to smile, all the emotions that were suppressed within me will vanish like bubbles and be forgotten. I started questioning myself, more on blaming these emotions. Just like how most parents react whenever they knew their kids were having an emotional breakdown, "You don't have the right to feel sad when you have everything that you need." Being lonely is deeper than what we perceive it to be. I tried opening the storage inside me searching for the answers of why am I sad but it seems like the mind eliminates all these data. And all that is left were shredded documents unable to explain the sorrow that is lingering inside.
But you know, it's fine. Our emotions are valid. Time will come that it will tell all the missing links inside our hearts. It's okay to be confused now. It's fine if we don't know now why we are sad, all that is important is we continue to live despite all these emotions we are feeling. Just remember, you are not alone. You have someone like me, who feels the same way as you. 😊
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I'd like to recommend to you a song by HwaSa of Mamamoo entitled LMM. I have read that she wrote this after her anxiety kicks in.
